Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer Prize laureate and a renowned author known for his best-selling books ‘The Power of Habit’ and ‘Smarter Faster Better,’ is an alumnus of Yale University and Harvard Business School. He has been a regular contributor to various platforms such as This American Life, NPR, The Colbert Report, PBS’s NewsHour, and Frontline. His work has been recognized with the National Academies of Sciences, National Journalism, and George Polk awards.
In the following section, Duhigg imparts five crucial insights from his latest book, ‘Supercommunicators: Unleashing the Hidden Power of Connection.’ You can listen to the audio version, narrated by Duhigg himself, in the Next Big Idea App.
1. WE ARE ALL SUPERCOMMUNICATORS
Each one of us has the innate ability to connect with others. We all possess the capability to discern the nature of a conversation, whether it’s social, practical, or emotional. We can then align ourselves with the other person and encourage them to do the same. This concept, known as the matching principle in psychology, suggests that to establish a connection, we need to engage in the same type of conversation simultaneously.
2. POSE PROFOUND QUESTIONS
Science offers a simple method to identify the current type of conversation: asking questions, specifically deep ones. Research on supercommunicators reveals that they often ask 10 to 20 times more questions than others. However, we usually don’t notice this because their questions are easy to hear and respond to. These questions include: What’s your opinion on that? Why do you think that occurred? What’s next? What do you believe was going through his mind when he said that?
These simple, profound questions invite the other person to share what’s important to them and, more importantly, the kind of conversation they wish to have.
While these may seem like casual questions, they are actually profound. A profound question prompts us to discuss our values, beliefs, or experiences. In responding, we disclose a part of ourselves to the other person. Profound questions can also be easy to ask. For example, if you meet a lawyer, you can ask, “Did you always aspire to be a lawyer? When did you decide to attend law school? Do you enjoy your work?” All these are profound questions, and they don’t appear overly personal, intrusive, or inappropriate. These simple, profound questions invite the other person to share what’s important to them and, more importantly, the kind of conversation they wish to have.
When we pose a profound question, the other person’s response not only reveals who they are and what they value most but also the kind of conversation they wish to engage in. We can then align ourselves with them, or we can encourage them to align with us. We can share our own experiences, values, and beliefs, and indicate whether we wish to engage in an emotional, practical, or social conversation. We can invite them to align with us to achieve what’s known in neurology as neural entrainment, where our brains start to mirror each other. As a result, we truly comprehend what the other person is conveying.
3. PAY ATTENTION TO NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
In the 1980s, NASA faced a fundamental problem. It needed to start selecting different types of astronauts. Until then, most space missions were short, usually lasting just a couple of days at most. But President Ronald Reagan expressed his desire to construct a space station where people could reside for six months to a year.
For NASA, this meant that they needed a different type of astronaut. They needed someone willing to live in a confined space surrounded by a vacuum for six months or a year with other people. These individuals needed to be good at connecting and possess a high emotional IQ. They needed to know how to get along with people, listen to their emotions, and share their own emotions. They needed people who were adept at understanding the nature of a conversation and aligning with people.
So, NASA asked their top psychologists to develop a system to do this. For two years, they couldn’t come up with anything. The problem is, if you’re in the final round of being selected to be an astronaut for NASA, you’re exceptionally good. You have practiced the answer to every question. You’ve excelled in every aspect of your life. You know how to feign emotional intelligence as well as anyone. But they couldn’t select people who could feign emotional intelligence because that would only work for a week or maybe two. When you’re in space with someone for six months or a year, it can’t be faked. It has to be real, genuine, and authentic.
The psychologist was tasked with distinguishing who had genuine emotional intelligence and who could feign it convincingly. While listening to some old recordings of astronaut interviews, he noticed something. The key was that successful interviewees answered the questions similarly, but they laughed differently.
People for whom connecting and emotional intelligence are important tend to match our energy and mood, even when we communicate nonverbally.
The psychologist devised an experiment. Upon entering the room of the interview, he would deliberately spill a pile of papers on the floor. He would then start laughing at it. As he started picking up the papers, he would look at the candidates, point to his tie, and comment, “You know, I look like a clown today. After dropping all these papers. My kid made me wear this ugly tie.” Then the psychologist would again laugh really, really loudly. He started paying attention to how the candidate laughed back. Did the candidate match his basic energy and mood? Or did the candidate do something different? Because everyone knows if someone’s laughing, you should laugh back, right? That’s basic politeness. People for whom connecting and emotional intelligence are important tend to match our energy and mood, even when we communicate nonverbally.
The way that we can show that we want to connect with others or determine who wants to connect with us is by sometimes paying attention to nonverbal expressions. Not the words coming out of their mouth but how they say them. Do they match our energy? Do they match our mood? Do they ask us questions? Similarly, when others express something emotional, or they express some happiness, sorrow, or laughter, we can match them. In doing so, we show them that we want to connect.
The way that we can show that we want to connect with others or determine who wants to connect with us is by sometimes paying attention to nonverbal expressions.
Studies show about 80% of laughter does not occur in response to anything humorous. Most of the time, when we laugh, it’s not because someone told a joke. Most of the time, when we laugh, it’s to show the other person that we want to connect with them. When they laugh back, that’s how they show that they want to connect with us. We start to believe that each of us wants to connect because we’re proving it to each other.
4. HOW DO WE DEMONSTRATE THAT WE WANT TO CONNECT WITH SOMEONE?
How do we demonstrate beyond laughing with them or asking questions? How do we demonstrate that we genuinely want to understand them? There are some conversations, particularly conversations that occur amid conflict and tension, where it’s not enough to ask a question and listen to the other person. Studies show that for us to connect with each other, we have to demonstrate to them that we’re listening, and we have to demonstrate to them that we want to understand.
There’s a story about a significant conversation around gun safety that occurred between people who are gun advocates and gun control advocates. This is the kind of conversation in which all these people were deeply devoted to their own cause. This is the kind of conversation that is usually totally pointless because all that happens is that people start screaming at each other or repeating all the talking points they already know.
But the organizers of this conversation wanted to do something different. They wanted to see if they could get people to talk about these ideas and really understand each other without necessarily changing anyone’s mind. So, they taught everyone in the discussion a specific method for communicating what they said, called looping.
Looping involves three steps. The first is that you ask the other person a question. Upon hearing their response, you really listen to what they say. The second step involves repeating back, in your own words, what you just heard them tell you. We often forget the third and final step, but it is the most important one. The last step is to ask them if you got it right.
The organizers of this conversation gave the participants this training and then instructed them to talk about tough subjects. During these tough conversations, two things would happen. One, sometimes they didn’t get it right. Sometimes, they didn’t really understand what the other person was trying to say. That was helpful to know because nobody knew this miscommunication was occurring until they asked about it. But the second thing was when someone repeated back an idea and then asked if they got it right, suddenly, it felt like the speaker was really heard. It feels like this person really wants to understand, and, as the speaker, it feels wonderful.
When we’re in a fight with someone or talking about a difficult subject, they might be angry at us. When we demonstrate that we are trying to understand and listen, suddenly, they trust us more.
That is how we demonstrate to other people that we want to understand them. By using looping for understanding, we show others that we’re trying to understand. When we’re in a fight with someone or talking about a difficult subject, they might be angry at us. When we demonstrate that we are trying to understand and listen, suddenly, they trust us more. They even like us more. More importantly, they start listening back and trying to listen to us.
5. THE BULK OF OUR CONVERSATIONS ARE SOCIAL IN NATURE.
In the context of social conversations, our focus is on how we connect with each other—not as separate individuals, but as integral parts of a community. A crucial aspect of these connections is the unique identity that each of us possesses. These identities are multifaceted and numerous. For example, I am a writer. However, I am also a father, an avid runner, a Caucasian male married to a woman, a resident of California, and my political leanings are slightly liberal. I have countless such identities.
Engaging in a social conversation—discussing society, our place in it, or our relationships with others—it’s vital that we recognize these identities. Consider how disheartening it is when you’re discussing an issue or a query, and your identity is overlooked. Your identity influences your reactions. Your reply might be, “Speaking as a lawyer, I completely understand your point.” It’s crucial that the other person does not dismiss your identity. If they fail to recognize an aspect of your identity, it might seem as if they’re implying that you lack understanding. By acknowledging identities, we facilitate communication and mutual understanding.
By acknowledging identities, we facilitate communication and mutual understanding.
It’s essential to pose questions that take into account the respondent’s identity. Examples could be: As someone raised in a religious family, do you believe that influences your thoughts and emotions on this subject? As a female scientist, could you share your experience? Do you think your perspective differs from mine?
Often, we tend to avoid highlighting our differences. However, particularly in social conversations, recognizing and embracing these identities aids in mutual understanding. More importantly, they foster a sense of safety and belonging in the conversation. They assure us that we have a role in the conversation because the other person has acknowledged our identity.
Effective communication involves identifying the nature of the conversation and aligning with each other, encouraging others to align with us, demonstrating our attentiveness by asking insightful questions, and by looping for comprehension, acknowledging their identity. These strategies help us ensure that everyone feels entitled to participate in this conversation and voice their opinions. That’s when we begin to form connections. That’s when we evolve into supercommunicators. The right conversation at the right moment can be transformative, and this is how you engage in meaningful conversations.
I find the concept of “looping” particularly intriguing. It’s a simple yet effective method to ensure that we’re truly understanding what the other person is saying. It also signals to the other person that we’re genuinely interested in their perspective. This could be a game-changer in conversations when there is a lot of tension and disagreement.
The emphasis on nonverbal communication is spot on. So much of our communication is nonverbal, and we often overlook its importance. The example of the NASA psychologist observing how astronaut candidates laughed is a great illustration of this. It’s not just about what we say, but also how we say it.
I’m skeptical about the claim that we’re all “supercommunicators.” Sure, we all have the potential to improve our communication skills, but it takes conscious effort and practice. Not everyone will take the time to do this.
I appreciate the point about acknowledging identities in social conversations. It’s easy to forget that each of us has multiple identities that influence our perspectives. Recognizing and respecting these identities can lead to more meaningful and productive conversations.
The idea of posing profound questions is interesting. It’s a subtle way to steer the conversation and engage on a deeper level. However, it’s important to strike a balance and not come off as intrusive or overly personal.
The strategies outlined here are valuable not just in professional settings, but also in personal relationships. Whether it’s a heated debate on a social issue or a disagreement with a loved one, these strategies can help facilitate understanding and connection.
I think it’s important to note that while these strategies are useful, they’re not a one-size-fits-all solution. Different situations and individuals may require different approaches. Flexibility and adaptability in communication are key.
I’m curious about how these strategies would play out in digital communication, where nonverbal cues are absent or limited. Would love to see a follow-up on this topic.
I’m a big fan of Duhigg’s work, and this doesn’t disappoint. He has a knack for breaking down complex ideas into digestible, actionable insights. Looking forward to reading ‘Supercommunicators.’
I wonder how these strategies would apply in a cross-cultural context, where norms and expectations around communication can vary widely. It would be interesting to explore this further.
The point about the bulk of our conversations being social in nature resonates with me. We often focus on the content of our conversations, but the social and relational aspects are equally, if not more, important.
I appreciate the practical, actionable advice in this post. Too often, communication advice is abstract and hard to implement. But these strategies are clear, straightforward, and immediately applicable.
I’m interested in the concept of the “matching principle” in psychology. It’s a reminder that effective communication is not just about what we say, but also about aligning ourselves with the other person.
Overall, this is a thought-provoking read that offers valuable insights into effective communication. It challenges us to rethink our approach to conversations and provides practical strategies to become better communicators.
The idea of “neural entrainment” is fascinating. It’s amazing how our brains can sync up during a conversation, leading to a deeper understanding and connection. It’s a testament to the power of effective communication.
I appreciate the emphasis on the importance of acknowledging identities in social conversations. It’s a crucial aspect of communication that’s often overlooked. Recognizing and respecting the unique identities of others can lead to more meaningful and inclusive conversations.
The concept of “looping” is a great tool for ensuring understanding in a conversation. It’s a simple yet effective method that can be used in any conversation, not just those that are conflict-ridden or tense.
The point about the bulk of our conversations being social in nature is an important one. It’s a reminder that communication isn’t just about exchanging information, but also about building connections and fostering a sense of community.